To be honest, I missed the Slap.
Sadly, there was no juicy drama at the 2023 Oscars on Sunday.
Will Smith didn’t return to violently clobber Chris Rock. He couldn’t. The Fresh Prince is banned from the Academy Awards for 10 years.
But no other celeb did much of anything either, save for the usual “thank you”s and crocodile tears. Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty didn’t announce the wrong Best Picture winner. Producer Steven Soderbergh wasn’t on-hand to refashion the ceremony into a diabolical eyesore like he appallingly did in 2021. Nobody was called “Adele Dazeem.”
Instead, Hollywood’s biggest night was back to business as usual.
This year’s winners went down mostly as expected in the top categories, even in tight races that were in a dead heat between two favorites: Brendan Fraser won against Austin Butler for Best Actor; Michelle Yeoh defeated Cate Blanchett for Best Actress; Jamie Lee Curtis beat Angela Bassett for Best Supporting Actress.
A24’s “Everything Everywhere All at Once” took home Best Picture, just like everyone everywhere expected.
BAFTA-winning German World War I film “All Quiet on the Western Front” was picking up Best Picture momentum for a while, winning some surprise technical awards, but ultimately settled for Best International Feature.
But, despite the lack of surprise, the 95th Academy Awards telecast was at least tolerable. And these days that’s the best we can hope for from an over-three-hour experience that doesn’t begin with the word “Avatar” or the sentence “Good night, sweetheart.”
Outside of some remarks from Russian political prisoner Alexei Navalny’s wife Yulia — when the documentary “Navalny” won — the ceremony was refreshingly politics-free.
And thank God there wasn’t an unsynchronized trio of hosts like last year, or no host at all like the shaky situation from 2019 to 2021. Reliable late-night host Jimmy Kimmel came back to the stage he held five years ago.
After arriving to the Dolby Theater by “Top Gun” parachute, he rattled off a ton of just-mean-spirited-enough zingers.
His Smith material was especially vicious.
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“If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any point during the show,” he said, “you will be awarded the Oscar for Best Actor and permitted to give a 19-minute speech.”
Not done yet, he punched more: “But seriously, the academy has a crisis team in place. If anything unpredictable or violent happens during the show, sit there and do absolutely nothing. Maybe even give the assailant a hug.” Funny stuff.
He also said he was “glad to see Nicole Kidman has finally been released from that abandoned AMC” and that seatmates Steven Spielberg and Seth Rogen were “the Joe and Hunter Biden of Hollywood” — a gag that played better at home than in the room.
Superstar singers were there to wail their Best Song nominees.
Lady Gaga, wearing a black shirt — the anti-meat dress — while singing “Hold My Hand” from “Top Gun: Maverick” was fine. She was announced last-minute as a performer, so she probably did hardly any preparation for the gig.
Also decent was Rihanna, who performed “Lift Me Up” from “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever.” But the ultimate winner, “Naatu Naatu” from “RRR,” was like a phenomenal Tony Awards performance — complete with sensational dancing. Somehow, the Indian film came off best from the entire ceremony. I bet a lot of viewers who’d never heard of it will stream it now.
But, oh, I longed for some insanity. Historically, the Oscars are always at their best and most memorable when there are huge upsets — “Shakespeare in Love” beating “Saving Private Ryan” — or gigantic unscripted craziness — a streaker or Sacheen Littlefeather accepting for Marlon Brando.
That stuff is unplannable, of course, but I have one recommendation for next year: End Will Smith’s ban early, and seat him next to Chris Rock.
